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Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Frustration

What exactly is it about distance in a military marriage that sometimes makes people forget that people often say things out of sheer hurt and frustration that they don't mean?

I am not talking about anything as dangerous as a threat of suicide or homicide, but just something to the effect of mentioning wanting a drink...I said this to my husband tonight, after a very long and frustrating day with the kids. He told me he was worried. That one statement he made really got under my skin. To me, it implied I wasn't shouldering my responsibilities accurately, that it was this failure that caused him to worry. I guess it put me on the defensive because I have been doing everything I can to keep him from worrying and he keeps worrying.

My kids are angry and frustrated that their dad is gone; especially my oldest son who is nine. My mother, who lives with me and is a raging, out-of-control diabetic who can't be trusted to do what she is supposed to do to keep herself healthy without someone supervising her constantly, keeps telling me she won't live long enough to see him again.

In this circus of the absurd, I am the damn ringmaster!

I sometimes wish I could be like one of those stupid sitcom wives from days of yore; you know, the kind that have a picture perfect house, with well-behaved kids. One that can spend all day cooking and still look like she stepped off a magazine cover when her husband gets home...

I wish I could be more than the target of everybody's rage, hurt, and frustration because he is not here.

It's not my fault; he didn't ask for these orders, and I certainly did not want them either...

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