Ain't No Sunshine When He's Gone

I think I am need of a serious attitude makeover. The end of this wretched deployment is here, and I Thank God that T is back safely, but I am also unbelievably angry and depressed. This stupid thing isn't over for me, and I am upset. What's worse is that T keeps asking me why I sound so bad. I think it should be oobvious, but maybe I am being dense. I am so tired of waiting, and I am angry at myself for feeling this way, for whining. I miss all the things people take for granted about their spouses. I miss EVERYTHING; the good, and the bad.

Right now I am listening to Green Day, because it has been September all damn year and I just want September to end! But like my mp3 player, time is on a infinitely repeating torturous loop.

Why Isn't It Enough?

I am sitting on my kitchen floor as I write this.  I am nursing my coffee while I launch myself into an uncomfortable introspection.  Tony has been here for the past several days, and though these days have been paradise, I find myself thinking that time is melting together, that it's racing toward the inevitable conclusion of my happiness...

I should be happy; after all, it's been a very long time since we have last seen each other.  An eternity has passed without his eyes for me to lose myself in.  I should be happy, but I'm not.  Not completely.

My mind keepsq harping on the departure.  The one that will rip my soul out by the roots and leave my shattered heart in pieces on the airport floor.  He will trample those pieces unknowingly...his boots will grind them down like so much gravel with each step he takes away from me.

When he leaves, as I know he must, I have no idea when I will see him again.  I am lonely, tired, and afraid.  I am afraid he will see this damn weakness in me and despise me for it...or worse, that he would feel bad because I am a sniveling idiot.  A spoiled child.

I want to be happy with what I have been given.  I want to enjoy his presence, but if left alone, my mind wanders to thoughts of the conclusion of his stay.  Truth is, I don't want to let him go. 

I miss everything about him.  Even the incredibly annoying stuff.  I must find a way to make my peace with the realities of my current circumstances.  I must find a way to keep going when I feel I have nothing more to give.